Darian
by Marijke Rose
Summary: A SpongeBob fanfic, that goes a bit into Squilliam's past with his first major relationship. He thought he was in love, buttt, apparently this guy wasn't the right guy for him afterall. Rated mature because it deals with heavy topics. And sorry, it's not well written.. it's just a quick one shot of my idea, a flashback. Squilliam hasn't always had it good...


Squilliam was in his early-to-mid twenties when he'd first met Darien. He'd immediately fallen for the gorgeous fish. Darien, a stagehand, had been more than delighted when Squilliam responded to his flirting. Squilliam had sought him out at one point, alone, and had invited him to join him for dinner. He had, at the time, not dared to tell the fish he was bisexual. It was during their dinner that the fish began putting the moves on Squilliam and the octopus responded instantly.

The two had then found themselves in bed together, with Darien showing Squilliam the magic two men can make.

After that, the two pretty much became an item. At some point, Squilliam had even invited Darien to move in with him, which the stagehand had done. Squilliam had always believed that he and Darien had something really special. The wealthy octopus had been so serious, that he'd even begun entertaining the thought of proposing to the fish.

After Darien moved in, it was great at first, but soon Darien started finding little things to complain about and picking fights.

Well, first, it started out that Squilliam was gone so often, sometimes for days or weeks. Squilliam had started making sure to call his love whenever he got a chance. As well as bringing gifts with him, specifically souvineers or such from the places he'd visited, things he'd thought would please his Darien. He unfortunately, of course, could not exactly drop his appointments altogether. He did try and schedule them with consideration to Darien.

Then there were other little things. Darien started complaining about Squilliam's clothing. Complaining that it was either not pretty enough, or that it was too suggestive. Too tight. As though Squilliam was trying to get other guys to look at him. Squilliam had, barely, been able to win this one again. Explaining that he had to look his best, as a celeb, that it was simply expected of him. He'd then managed to reassure the fish that, regardless of who was looking at him, he only wanted Darien. By that time, under Darien's tutelage, Squilliam had learned to be a very skilled lover in bed (skilled with men - he'd already been skilled with women). So, he'd put on the works and shown Darien exactly how much he only wanted Darien.

It wasn't long, however, before Squilliam's rivalry with Squidward came to light. Darien did not like it. He accused Squilliam of secretly loving the guy, which Squilliam had not been so capable of convincing Darien otherwise.

Another issue was when Squilliam would come home late and tired and would turn down the fish's advances because he was just too exhausted. At first, it had only been the cause of verbal fights. The fish would, ultimately, roll over and give Squilliam the cold shoulder. The next morning, he'd be continuing his spitefulness.

The good morning hug and greeting? Coldly rejected with scathing looks and eye rolling.  
During breakfast, attempts and conversation, trying to make up? Thrown harshly back in his face with such things as. "You can't just expect me to feel better after you cruelly left me hanging." and "NOW you say you're sorry? You didn't seem very sorry last night.".. and on and on. Including, after Squilliam was feeling pretty badly, a second chance was offered. "We'll just see how you do in the future - maybe you can convince me." But no explanation or hint as to HOW. Squilliam suggested a romantic and passionate night that evening, the other said that would be a start, but that it wasn't ALL about sex and if that's all Squilliam can think of to make up, he obviously didn't care as much as he'd lead Darien to believe. So, Squilliam was left struggling to think of good ways to show he did care.

The problem was, Squilliam even had a feeling about what was happening.. He'd experienced these kinds of guilt trips from his father. He'd never figured out how to deal with them properly back then, and the way Darien was doing it was, well.. Different, in that Squilliam's feelings for Darien were much different than his feelings for his father. It was easier to believe the "I'm sorry"s, or feel okay when the fish would cuddle him as they watched a movie, telling him how much he adored Squilliam and was lucky to have him.

Darien, despite his temper, he had a very charming and loving side. He could be extremely generous and romantic. And, of course, he was great in bed. Some times, these 'nice' times would last weeks or even months, before another fight would occure. That hadn't been so with Squilliam's father. His father went through the cycles daily, multiple times a day. There was never a day when Squilliam wasn't confronted, being cussed out, by his father for this or that.

The only thing Squilliam had learned about dealing with such people as his father, was that he wasn't actually afraid. Though he couldn't stop his father's anger, he could manage to be around as little as possible - coming home first when his father was passed out from alcohol, or too drunk to stand up. Then Squilliam could go to bed and sleep safely for a few hours. He'd always made to leave early in the morning before his father had gotten up - or sneak out of the house, if his father was already awake. (Specifically if he heard his father stomping up the stairs towards Squilliam's bedroom.) He'd learned to escape through the window and scale the wall.

Darien did not terrorise Squilliam like that. It was just squabbles, then the cold shoulder. Then the trying to make it up to the fish, which, if he succeeded - and he even did the majority of the time - the fish was very, very generous and appreciative, praising him. His father had never praised him, that he could remember. So, it was a different situation. Darien also gave gifts, planned special evenings for the two, or going out and having fun.

It was very hard to see the trap that was slowly closing around the octopus.

The subtle manipulations, rewiring the way he thought - or, rather, changing his perception of reality. It's not even quite like that.. He would eventually know, somewhere deep inside, that something wasn't right, and pretty sure he knew what. Yet it would hard to be sure that it wasn't, indeed, his fault. The fish would always re-affirm Squilliam's self-doubts.

Squilliam usually got through these cold shoulder moments by focusing on his work, his career... his passion. Composing. Writing musicals. Painting. Creating. Not only were they his source of income and wealth, but it was an escape from the self doubts and feelings of guilt. He could just fall into the creative hole and escape to a new place. And, of course, it was productive. He could transform the hurt, the tension into creative energy, and the world loved it.

He also "learned" (sort of) from Darien, how to be cold and patient when dealing with certain types of people. Sure, he'd always been rather good at it, but now it came easier to him. He learned to thoroughly enjoy watching others squirm. From anyone but Darien, Squilliam could easily get whatever he wanted, without feeling bad about it. This even proved to be quite a useful trick, because high up business people could be some of the lowest forms of life he'd never met. Lying, manipulating, stepping on other people whenever they could, were all common practice. Very important to know and utilise for yourself, if you wanted to make it and not be eaten alive.

But, of course, despite this, things got worse with Darien. Squilliam was gone more, tired more.. Being home became like walking on egg shells. He could never be sure if Darien would be moody or not. Never be sure if Darien would have something to complain about or not. If Darien would be angry at him or not.

Also, there were signs that Darien wasn't being faithful. Squilliam had once attempted to confront Darien, but the fish had always had an explanation and turned the tables on Squilliam. And, the signs were, admittedly, weak. Things like Darien going out for long periods of time, leaving Squilliam home alone, "I couldn't stand being around you - I needed to get away and cool down.". A guest room's bed was unmade, then it was either the maid's fault, or maybe SQUILLIAM had snuck in a lover, he never knew what Squilliam was up to, afterall. That Squilliam had not even been home since early that morning, was something the octopus had just decided to let go of and not say. Not when Darien was so clearly just looking for a reason to rip into him. The fish would just be sure to take it as baiting.

This would happen on multiple occasions, and would become the cause their first major fight. Squilliam had been gone the whole night on a trip, and had come home that afternoon. He'd soon confronted the fish with his worries. The fish had tried to write it off with having let friends stay over and party. Squilliam hadn't been willing to relent, this time, and had pointed out how often it'd happened, that Squilliam couldn't help having his doubts and the fish had to see that it looked suspicious.

This had quickly lead to a very nasty, verbal fight, with Squilliam unloading on him and Darien unloading back on Squilliam. Squilliam had then done something he really shouldn't have. He'd said something really nasty, very sharp-tongued and cruel. Darien had looked shocked, deeply hurt. Squilliam had instantly tried to take it back, apologising and explaining he hadn't meant it, that he was just angry and hurt. Darien wouldn't have it, and Squilliam had taken a few punches, with Darien screaming at him that of all the lines Squilliam could cross, that had just gone too far. That it was nasty and spiteful.

The beating hadn't hurt as much as shocked Squilliam. It had only been a few punches. The other had stopped suddenly and began, sobbingly, apologising for his actions - that Squilliam had just hit a very, very tender nerve and he hadn't been able to help himself. Squilliam had been able to understand that and had forgiven him. It would never happen again. Squilliam would never cross that line again, and Darien would not flip out like that again.

The two had then shared a nice evening, with Darien being very attentive about Squilliam. Making sure he was comfortable and catered to, pampering him. The evening was Squilliam's, to do with as he pleased; Darien did not try to come on to him. Just took care of his lover. Squilliam had felt very cherished.

Needless to say, Squilliam had then dropped his suspicions that the other was cheating. The evidence was too small, and not worth a huge fight. Darien obviously cared about him greatly.

Squilliam had then expected things to ease up between them. And, at first, it certainly seemed to. Darien was much more amiable and focused on his lover. They had a nearly completely tension free couple of months - a few small little confrontations, but nothing near to the major cold shoulders Darien had been giving him before that fight.

And the sex was really, really world class.

Of course, this was not to last. Darien did, indeed get moody again and was back to his old ways. This, again, progressed in steps, so that Squilliam was only half-aware it was happening. Darien began setting him up, though Squilliam didn't realise it. Asking him to do something or other, and then finding something to nitpick about it when Squilliam had completed - or worse, not completed - the request. Sometimes, the requests were so vaguely phrased, that Squilliam wasn't entirely sure WHAT Darien wanted. Asking got a tongue lashing about how stupid Squilliam had to be if he couldn't understand perfectly clear instructions, or that he obviously wasn't listening, then. (Not in quite those words, it was said much more tactfully and manipulatively.) Darien had also explained his moodiness as problems at work. Squilliam had known this to be true, for they'd had some new hires who, Squilliam had to admit, hardly knew what they were doing. It had frustrated both him and Darien. Even causing delays in shows occasionally.

So, Squilliam had just tried to be understanding and give the fish his space, or offer a attentive ear. Sometimes Darien would just brood, other times he'd vent to Squilliam about it. Squilliam listened. Sometimes, this seemed to help.

Only sometimes.

They had another fight, and it went to hitting again. Darien had figured out exactly what to say, to flip Squilliam out. Squilliam wasn't the first to throw punches. He was the first to rip in verbally. The first to snap and get nasty. Pulling himself together and walking away, didn't work anymore. The fish would demand that he stay and finish explaining himself. Cussing him out, ripping into him. The trap was set and sprung.

Again, the same as before - punches that didn not necessarily hurt so much as shocked Squilliam. And then the same series of apologies and sweetness. The guilt trips, the "If you just wouldn't have crossed the line.." stories. Squilliam still hadn't quite figured it out. He really loved this fish. This fish had nearly made him forget his highschool crush on his rival. He'd even, in an attempt to prove to Darien who much he loved him, brought this up.

That had been a mistake.

Darien was not only not appeased, but was also furious, asking Squilliam why, if that was so, he'd even thought of him - obviously he still had something for him, if he'd even think of bringing it up.

Fights continued, over every little thing - now it really WAS walking on egg shells. Everything Squilliam did, right down to the tone in his voice, was cause for his lover to get upset at him and cuss him out. The fights were mostly verbal. Mainly because Squilliam attempted to give in, to appease his lover. He even tried to ignore the little snaps that would usually set him off. Sometimes, you just couldn't ignore it anymore. Sometimes, you just had to turn around and snap at the other, even though it was useless to do so. That was bad.

That was when punches would start being thrown. Squilliam quickly figured out how to defend, block or whatever. It was easy. But, that only made it worse. Squilliam didn't want to beat his lover into a pulp. Didn't want to hurt him. But he did start to aggresively defend himself. Kicking him off him, or punching him back.

Squilliam should have seen it by then. But, he still didn't. The first time he kicked the other back, he had done so with so much force that he sent the other sliding across the room.

That had made a huge change in the relationship. After that first time, his lover had, again, appologised. And the fights had suddenly stopped. Squilliam had been furious for days, and Darien had submitted. Had not further picked fights. Had been sweet, though giving Squilliam his room. No more problems. Squilliam had openly picked a few fights, but the other had not fought back. He'd submitted to Squilliam. They'd even, ultimately, sat down together and talked about it like two mature adults.

Then, it was all good for another... who knows how long. Just long enough for Squilliam to feel everything was fine, again. Enough to believe that, this hard time was over.

Sure, when he'd be gone for a few days, his lover missed him and wasn't happy about his travels. But, the real fighting hadn't happened again. And it was all quite wonderful again. His lover was sweet and attentive, as was he. They could sit and laugh, and even discuss what had happened before.

Then, there was one day.

Squilliam came to bed, again, exhausted from the whole day. What most people didn't know, was that being a celebrity was not easy work.. You had to turn out stuff, you had to be there for every appointment - you, no matter how much you were sick of playing the same song over and over again, or answering the same questions over and over again in interviews, you had to put on your very best performance. You couldn't let on that you're bored. You had to make it good for the fans, every single time. No one would care if you were exhausted or bored, they were paying money to see you at your very best.

And then, of course, it had to happen...

His rival. Squidward. After his early performance, and after a bit of mingling with fans and signing autographis during his free time, it'd been brought to his attention that the music class he was supposed to be teaching was already being taught by him. Rather, when he'd attempted to head there, was told the class was already in session, and that no one needed any impersonators. Of course, he'd gone to the authorities, that is, the management of the school, and insisted they check this. He'd not even realised Squidward had been at the performance - though would later discover he indeed had been. He'd been busy with his performance. Also, why would his rival be there? Go see the performance of your own rival? Who would! (Which was something that had been thrown in Squidward's face.) Squilliam would have. And obviously Squidward would, but that hadn't ever been clear to the octopus. Squilliam had not quite realised that until later. ((And would only really learn about that from discussing it with Squidward after they'd gotten together.))

There, he'd seen Squidward. His rival. He'd quickly figured out what was going on. And, quickly, it was cleared up that Squidward had been an imposter and arrested... for, of all things "Impersonating a genius". Ridiculous! But kinda flattering. What kind of legal dialogue was that?

So, then, Squilliam was able to teach the class. Also pestered by the cops about his imposter. He'd chosen not to press charges. As if he could have or even cared. No, he'd said it was okay. He'd secretly even been touched. Squidward was impersonating him? How funny was that! And... how precious.. Then he'd gone to his class. The last appointment of this day.

Afterwards, he'd been so glad when it was over and he could go home. He was looking forward to his bed. And to snuggling up with his lover.

***

He'd done his best to slip quietly into bed, not to bother the apparently sleeping fish. And as the fish had turned over and cuddled him, he was happy. Then, Daren began groping him. Oh, that was fine, a little nice groping before sleep, who was he to complain about that? But, the fish was soon upon him, not letting him fall asleep. Clearly wanting more and more. Squilliam would have loved to, but he was just too tired. It was teasing at first. Squilliam shoving the hand away, and murming he wanted to sleep. Darien putting his hand back, and groping again. Tugging at his shoulders, turning him over, kissing him. Oh, it would have been so easy to submit, but Squilliam wasn't up to it, period. Too long of a day, too much on his mind.

Darien didn't stop, this time, insisting on it. Squilliam finally put his foot down and told the fish straight out that he could forget it, that another night would work, but not tonight. The fish had continued his advances, and finally Squilliam, furious, had had just enough. He got out of bed and snapped at the fish, telling him to just knock it off already.

That had started a fight. And this time a bitter one, but one Squilliam wasn't going to let go of. He was tired, and had just no interest in the games or whatever. It was time to really snap at his lover.

The fish had stood up, too, and the two had eventually started screaming at each other. Squilliam seeing red, and the fish seeing read. Squilliam had ripped into him, telling him exactly where to go and how to get there. Ripping him apart verbally. All the while, still fighting off Darien's advances - such as "Oh, you are just SO hot when you're angry!" and wrapping his arms around his waist. And dealing with Darien's biting remarks.

He smacked Darien away - not a punch, just a very hard shove. The fight continued. Squilliam told him straight out he could just f himself, for all he cared, that he'd throw Darien right out on his ass. Darien had smiled, and told him that he'd much rather f him, and that he would.

Then, before Squilliam could even speak, Darien had grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him hard against the wall. This had left the octopus a little dazed. He'd started to turn around, when Darien had grabbed him again and shoved him towards the bed. Squilliam had regained his balance and made to attack, but the fish was quicker and and slugged him hard in the stomach, leaving the cephalopod doubled over. Then, as Squilliam was gasping, threw him onto the bed and jumped upon him.

Squilliam was sprawling with the wind knocked out of him, and the fish then suddenly upon him. He held Squilliam down.

"This is your fault, Squilliam." He hissed into his ear. "All your fault."

They struggled just a bit, or rather, Squilliam had tried to, but he was out of breath and Darien was too quick. The fish then took him. Forced his legs apart and... Squilliam cried out in pain as the other forced him open, plunging into him. Oh, god, that really DID hurt! Squilliam was left with only being able to try and minimise the pain the best he could, while the other took him.

Squilliam blocked it out. And when, finally, the other let him go, rolling over with a happy sigh. Squilliam retreated from the bed to the wall on the floor. He only landed there because the wall hitting his back stopped his retreat. He curled up. Horrified by what had just happened. He'd never, ever been raped before. And he never, ever would have thought it'd have happened with... his Darien. He didn't even have a clue what to think about it all.

His bottom hurt, his heart was broken. He couldn't tell if he was damaged, or how bad. And looking at Darien, he seemed to be sleeping, so Squilliam quietly got up and stumbled to his master bathroom. He started the shower and crawled in. He let the water fall over him. Cleaning him. Washing away the dirt. Soothing. He soon plugged in the stopper to fill the bathtub, so he could just relax in the warm water.

He wasn't sure how long he was there, apparently over an hour, when the other walked into the bathroom demanding to know what was going on. Squilliam cringed. "I... I just needed to take a shower. It's been a long day. I'm sorry if it bothered you." He heard the other go to the bathroom.  
"Whatever, do as you wish, but don't be too much longer."  
"Of course not." He answered, just wanting the other to go away and leave him alone. "I'll be done soon.."  
"That's fine." Darien had said, and then to Squilliam's horror, he peaked into the bathroom, drawing the curtens back. "By the way, sweetheart, I do hope you will never do that again to me."  
"...?" Squilliam hadn't been able to find any words. They weren't even needed.  
"Leave me hanging, of course." Darien answered.  
"I..." Squilliam began, not knowing what to say, he just wanted Darien to leave him alone now.  
"I wouldn't have done it if you'd have just not refused me tonight.. I'd been waiting the whole day to be with you again, you've been so busy lately and I've missed you and your gorgeous body so much." He was saying. "I hope I didn't hurt you? Should I call a doctor?" Squilliam just... it was too much. He shook his head.  
"No... no, I... I'm fine. It's not too bad... It's okay..." All he wanted to do was get rid of him. The other wasn't done.  
"Oh, good, thank goodness! I am so very sorry, my love! I don't want anything bad to happen to you!"... Yeah, yeah, he'd heard that before... the other went on. "Don't ever deny me again, though, and especially not with your little lies about being too tired. If you really love me as you CLAIM to, then you'll always be there for me." Squilliam's mouth dropped and he said the only thing he could.  
"You... You raped me... I can ruin you for that, you know." His voice was weak, but the fire was in his eyes.  
"Oh, SURE you could. Do that! Who's going to believe you? It wasn't rape! But, please, do try to prove it! Go ahead!" And then he smiled a wicked smile at Squilliam. "Even IF you manage to get people to believe you, how would you like the headlines "Squilliam Fancyson's gay lover RAPED him!"... Really, think about it." He said. "Then, everyone will not only know you're gay, but also know that you're weak." Of course, it was stupid, but it all stuck. Squilliam couldn't have helped it, either. He just wanted to be left alone. He merely nodded. The problem was that, he was still reeling over what had happened, he hadn't had a chance to even start to work on it in his head. He'd only half understood anything his lover had said. And, when his lover bad him goodnight and left, Squilliam was just grateful.

The damage to his mind had, however, been done. All he wanted to do, the next days, was to be left alone... go about what he had to do.. and not be bothered. Having checked during the bath after his lover had left, he'd found out that, indeed, not TOO much physical damage had been done... not enough to go to a doctor or anything. He probably should have, but he didn't want to. He was a bit ripped, small, it was bleeding, or had bled... it hurt.. His lover didn't touch him again until he was healed. He gave the cold shoulder, but said nothing.

Things went back to normal. Squilliam just tried to ignore it. Not to think about it. It was too painful.

His lover was, again attentive and sorry. And all the same. Squilliam again fell for it. He never let himself think about it again, and tried to just focus on his work, for escape, and his lover, because he did still love him - and he seemed very sorry. And things were good again.

It didn't last long, of course. The mindgames resumed, the fights, yet this time with really setting him up - and he had no idea he was even being set up. His lover played it well. Let him think he was in control again, and such.

And there were more times where he'd dared to say no and the fish just had not let him. He'd stopped fighting, prefering to make it as less painful as possible. Once you put your mind to it, you could force yourself to totally relax.

The ultimate last straw was, of course, too late in coming really. But it was the last thing Squilliam had been able to hold on to, as the very last straw. (Cheating.)

He came home early from a trip, looking to surprise his beloved, with all the trimmings. And he'd ultimately found his lover, Darien, in bed with another.

He'd angrily confronted the two directly, flipped out. And, when his lover had offered no 'sorry', and further said that he had always been doing it and could not be expected to do otherwise when Squilliam was always gone and that he just didn't care if Squilliam liked it or not, Squilliam had finally gotten the water thrown in his face. Opened his eyes. That had been enough to make him throw them out.

Furious and hurt, he'd seen to it that both of them had lost their jobs and driven them from Bikini Bottom - they would never be able to find a job there. It was easy, he had his connections, afterall.

After that, Squilliam had hardened his heart. He'd also decided that he would never, ever be like that. He would continue to enjoy sex - oh, it WAS so enjoyable - but he'd never, ever let another hurt him again. He would also never hurt someone like that again either. It would be best to just have casual lovers.

He ultimately was able to continue... to pull himself back together - though his heart was hardened. He just enjoyed cheap sex, so to say, and, in peace, resumed his fun little rivalry with his rival - and without anyone snapping at him for it. As for his career, well, he definitely had more material that he could use, which everyone loved.

He'd also stopped 'loving' his rival. He'd never had expected to ultimately fall back in love with him. He was done with love. It didn't mean he couldn't be nice to his lovers, but he didn't feel 'love' anymore. He didn't even know what it was.

But, he still really, really liked his rival. He was happy with the familiar rivalvry. It was a fun game.

And his lovers? Well, he was nice to them - he'd never be like Darien, or rather Brucey, or his father. He kept his private life as secret as possible, but did enjoy himself. He couldn't deny that he really, really liked sex. But, it was better when there were no strings attached, when you could have your fun and they could - he was good at that, and loved pleasuring his partners - but then to retreat back home and not be bothered. He needed time to heal, and his heart was closed.

He'd learned a lot, and not just sexually, from Darien or Brucey. And he'd never forget it.


End file.
